Monday, June 15, 2009


Back in my twenties, when I was experimenting. I would gladly tie up my boyfriend, anytime he wanted me too. And anytime ‘I’ wanted him to, too.
But, never would I allow him to tie me up. It came down to trust. Sure, I loved him. I would do anything for him. But I didn’t trust him. Not on that kind of level. I’ve never trusted anyone that much.
Back then I also was beginning to get the first discernable memory flashes of some of my past lives. And along with them, the mistrust and fear that came along with the bits and pieces of those memories. At that point there was NO WAY on earth NO ONE was tying me to anything, and that was a simple and non-negotiable fact. Due mostly to the fear I had of being tied up and killed. Mostly drowned. See, I have past life memories, dreams and visions of being a persecuted witch, several times in fact…and most of them include being tied up and drowned. Tied down and drowned, being a male sailor and being flogged and either falling overboard or being thrown over, not sure and drowning. Can ya see where my aversion to water comes from?

Yeah! I don’t do beaches, or pools much either. Don’t really even like to put my tootsies in to deep, anything over my stomach and it just takes my breath away. I barely learnt to swim enough to get though high school. All my friends know, I’m not the person you want to count on to save you if you’re going under for the third time. Sure, I’ll jump in and try to save you, but then someone else might have to save us both.
So, oh yeah, trust. Back when these little gems began to work themselves up and out of my stored memories banks, there was no way I was going to allow myself to be put into any situation where I was not in complete control. And being tied down or left someplace where I wasn’t in control wasn’t going to do it. Now, in theory and fantasy it all works out just fine. But in practice and practicality, not so much.

Over the years I’ve met some very interesting people and groups of people who came in and out of my life, some VERY quickly. I worked in a metaphysical shop for a while. And on occasions was invited by some very nice people to come and join in for different events. But the minute they would say. “Oh it’s being held in the woods. Or on a deserted beach.” No thanks, I think I’ll pass.” I’d say. I’ve seen enough lifetime movies. I’m not gonna be the main course or the sacrificial lamb, thanks, but no. See, I just don’t trust people, not that much, not with my life in their hands, when they hold ALL the cards.
But I probably wouldn’t have gotten into those woods or onto that beach anyhow. My guides would have blocked the doors, had my car breakdown or found some other way to keep me from going. They’d done it before.

Those tiny little voices can be just nagging and a poking atcha feeling. Other times they can be loud and persistent. Both to get my attention. The same goes for when they are silent.

SILENCE can be the loudest sound of all.

I used to just get the uneasy feelings. The ones that made the hair stand up and I just knew that I wasn’t supposed to go. Then they began to whisper, and then talk. Now they just come and say “Yeah, whatever, Tell them, NO WAY! MOVE ALONG, NOT COMING!” you get my point. And yes, they can be outright rude sometimes. My guys are not the sit around on clouds meditating and contemplating kind of guides. I really wonder what kind of notice went out when they were looking for guides for me. And what it said? Because I picture mine as being rebels of sorts in the guide world. The ones that they have trouble placing, and were probably relieved to have found ME to give these guys something to do for awhile. But, according to my main guide James Malcolm when asked how long he had been with me? He gently touched my cheek and said. “Forever” So, that would explain why we argue like an old married couple at times. Lol. Him. I trust. Them. I trust. Which says a lot.

As they screened the people in the store and shielded me from them. They’ve also found and continue to find me some very dear friends. Funny how they work. I met my very Best Friend Jodie online. My guides must have talked to her Guides and she sent me an email…which she had NEVER done before and we connected. (We were members of the same online group. We had seen each other online but had never talked in person or even emailed, she had an extra ticket to an outdoor concert and lived close to me. Her teenage daughter’s friend couldn’t go and she was offering it to me. Hanson if you must know. LOL. I answered her email; we called each other, met at the concert. Try finding someone standing in hundreds of people and all you have to go on is what they are wearing? Lol. Yet I found her. And we had a blast. We’ve been best friends now for 8 years.) Guides did good. They do that now and then when there is someone they need me to meet or connect too. They find a way for me to meet them.

This seems to happening a lot more lately. How does the saying go “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear?” I hope so. New beginnings!

I trust my guides. I trust when they tell me that this year is my year to shed the old, and look to the new. I trust when they say “He is coming.” Who he is? They wouldn’t and still won'telaborate. They said that three or four months ago.

And young guide Paul also let slip “And don’t forget Kensington” and was soundly yelled at for it. “Shut up! Don’t influence her in any way. She has FREE WILL.” James Malcolm scolded Paul. I found that conversation between them very interesting. Yep, this occurred while I was driving that day. They just had this conversation all around me while I’m sitting in the middle of them.
So, who or what is KENSINGTON? A person? A Street? A publishing house? I still don’t know.

But there are things I do know.
I KNOW I can write.
I KNOW I count.
I KNOW I was meant to be here.
And I KNOW I have purpose.
I was given gifts, and I KNOW I WILL NOT WASTE THEM!

I just have to learn to TRUST in MYSELF, that is what this year is about!


JKB said...

I know you won't waste your gifts, either. You are super talented and a wonderful person, and it's my privelege to know you.


Jodie said...

Haha, don't believe her. She would NOT jump in the water to try and save anyone. She's the girl wearing 5 lifejackets (that includes one on each limb). She'd be yelling "Love you. Tell God I said hi."

One of the best emails I ever sent, chica. Forever grateful to whichever guide prodded me to do something an introverted loner would not normally do. And boy, the situations and people that that one email led to over these 8 years. Actually, I believe it is 9years because wasn't that concert in June? Crazy in the best way.

Debbi said...

It was in june. Wasn't it the last day in June? and it was so cold by the end of the night we needed parkas? All for our Hanson. lol.
I'm so grateful for them too. The guides and Hanson. LOL. For bringing two completely crazy and different people together for this wild ride which is life.
...and I might not jump in, but I would share my left leg life jacket for you, anytime chica.