Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I struggle

I struggle.
I struggle with many things. Time. Money or lack there of. I struggle with being a mom, almost grandma and work.
But the thing I think I struggle with the most is who I am and who I want to be.
See, I have no sensor when it comes to just saying what pops in my head and out of my mouth. I just let it fly most of the time. But, I find that I am trying more and more frequently to suppress that urge….and that BUGS THE SHIT OUT OF ME!

I want to be that 80 year old woman who farts and yells at the manager at the grocery store because he is trying to make her stop running over people in the motorized wheelchair. “Get out of my way, or YOU’LL BE NEXT box boy!” Ya know?
That is who I think I am destined to be. I believe at that age I will have earned the right to be pissy and argumentative. And no one will have the right to take it away from me.

I still have a few years before I am THAT 80 year old me. But, I still want to yell at kids at work. I have no problem with giving them stink eye and have the urge to make the little shit ones want to cry. I think, if their parents aren’t watching them and have dumped them in the toy department or on the fitting room sofas. There little asses belong to me. And if they are tearing up my department after I’ve told them to stop i.e running, jumping, climbing, and opening packages, I have the right to throw them out on there little spoiled, snotty asses, or at the very least tell them “Santa Clause hates You, and he is on his cell calling the Easter Bunny as we speak. You’re not getting ANYTHING this year kid. Now whine about that.” And just walk away.

It is really hard for me to censor myself sometimes. And I feel that it is not fair that I should have too. I was sitting in a doctor’s office about a year ago and there was a little boy, maybe five. And he was on the floor, crawling around, making a fish face with those fish lips and doing something akin to swimming with his arms. This older woman walks in, takes one look down at the little boy and says. “What are you supposed to be? A fish?” the little boy didn’t miss a beat. He continued to stare at her, and just sucked in his jaws, with the fish lips. She responded “Yep, fish it is.” And walked away. I loved her!


JKB said...


If it helps, I struggle too. With everything. In particular right now, what is the line between mum and human female?

I've heard so much about that and am really worried I'll mess up.

But I'll sit my 80 yr old self next to your 85 yr old self and we'll RULE THE CHILDREN.


Jodie said...

Aw, you don't need to change. That's part of your charm! We all have to sensor ourselves to some degree but your normal degree is just fine.

JKB, my line is so far to the mum side I can't even see it any more. You won't mess up. Can I sit my 83 year old butt with you guys?

Chris said...

I USED to be good at biting my tongue. I would think it and be able to choke it back. Lately, I just don't give a shit..I'm not choking for anyone. Yes, it's getting me in trouble; no, I don't care. Fairly sure I got you all beat on the age thing; I'll be dead by the time this sit-in starts. But my spirit will be there with you all. (DON'T LISTEN TO IT DEBBI, it will just steer you