Oh dear me. This past Saturday was my daughter’s baby shower. There were maybe 40 people there. That’s a lot of people for a baby shower. But not as many as they kept saying had R.S.V.P.ed. That number was 55. Why would you pad that number? Lol.
The in-laws had rented a room at the aqua center. What ever happened to just having it in the church basement? But on second thought I’m glad they didn’t because then it really would have been THEM against US. And, my friends and I might just have burst into flames several times during the day. Honestly.
All the church ladies were in attendance. What? You don’t now about the church ladies? Well, sit back and let me fill you in. At my daughters wedding shower they actually stood up and gave testimonies on how to keep her husband happy, like….getting up an hour earlier than him so he never sees you without makeup. Like it would kill him. If I have to wash his shitty underwear, then by god he gets to see me with all my blemishes and smell my bad breath.
And it went on and on. We of course seated in the way back. And it is always the same core group of us that cause trouble. Me and my two best friends. Jodie and Michelle. See, we can get in trouble ANYWHERE. It’s always like having an angel and a devil on my shoulders. And I can be lured either way. There is also my sister in law and my other daughter who tries very hard to keep us behaving ourselves. This is also the shower she came dressed in pink terrycloth. What the hell? There are only two occasions to wear terrycloth. The beach and getting out of the shower and this wasn’t that kind of shower. Might have made those church ladies squirm though. Because I’ve never had a problem taking off….ok, I digress…
We get to the baby shower; find a table in the way back. I sit in the middle with my back to the wall, looking out into the room. Michelle sat to my right, Jodie to my left. Everyone else around us at our two tables. Everyone was her friends/in-law family and church ladies. I never know what to say to them. And I really believe they just feel the same. We have nothing in common, except their son and my daughter. And well, the baby girl coming in Dec.
They stood up and asked if they could say Grace and half the room looked at our table. What the hell? I have no problem with you saying grace, lady. Knock your socks off. Well…She started out with “Dear Lord bless our food…” Then it went down hill from there. “Lord. Dear Lord, our Lord, Sweet Lord, Sweet baby Jesus Lord…” I look up and everyone at our table was looking at me like dear in headlights. Someone said “How many times can you say Lord in a three minute grace?” Michelle says “27” “Oh god don’t. Don’t make me start to laugh”
Mother in law then says “Everyone go and get food”
OK, YOU ALL NEED TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING HERE FIRST.
I had been really sick for two days. I also had a head cold. I couldn’t hear how loud I was talking…are you seeing where I’m going with this???
Everyone starts to get up to get food. I say, thinking only people at our table could hear me, and all know my sarcastic bent. “So, seeing that they got to say Grace, does that mean our (hand gesture indicating our entire table) Coven gets to give the final benediction? Everyone froze. They heard me. Everyone it seems in the room heard me. So, for the rest of the day. Every time I looked up someone was staring at us. Every time.
Baby games were next. Our table won 5 out of 12. One of the games was finish the nursery rhymes. Thank God we didn’t have to stand up and recite them, because Michelle was reciting dirty ones. ‘Old mother Hubbard went to her cupboard…and something about springing a boner…” I looked at her and said. “You know were all going to hell, right?”
One of the many things I brought for the food table besides Chicken and Cake was brownies. Lots and lots of brownies. I should have added one more ingredient. That would have loosened up the church ladies for sure. Lol.
So, who’s in for Christmas? This should be interesting.